What gives you direction in life?
I’m lost and confused when I have no spiritual wellness practices at all. I feel the most stable and grounded when I live my life to honor GOD and focus on a many practices like prayer, fasting, reading scripture, listening to scripture. I feel neutral when I do a few things here and there like read my Bible before bed for a few minutes and pray for a few minutes in the morning.
My direction comes from God✨ the more GOD the better the direction💙
When do you feel most productive?
It goes without saying that adulting is…a sham. I’d rather be a bossy teenager any day- however I feel the most productive when I can look back on my day like-
“Yeah….i was a good adult today”
I got my oil changed, brake light fixed, at no point did I raise my voice (too much) at my kids – I even baby sat my God kids andddd later in the day my roommates kids,
I redirected a meltdown my son was having, I helped a friend’s kid calm down and taught him a new self regulation technique….
Paid for some bills, and bought some groceries , wrote out and added to my budget list, made plans for appointments next week
I read the Bible to my kids before bed & practiced four scriptures with them
I read MY bible before bed
Yes,
I had a good day of adulting today, hbu
-Monae’
Inhale the peace, and exhale the pieces, let go of the hurt and the meekness.
Drop the insults into the bottom of a well, leave them there in the deep , dark and grime..erase what they said from your mind, take your time. No she loves me, he loves me not, let your wellbeing remain on top. Regardless of what anyone says, don’t hold on to that sadness..
Out grown the old habits, make new improvements – it’s ok, you can do this.. When what used to help doesn’t anymore, don’t be tepid to go back to the drawing board.
You’ve changed and we are supposed to, would you expect any less? Find a quiet moment and….
Inhale the peace and exhale the pieces, let go of the hurt and the weakness.
What topics do you like to discuss?
– mental health
Our parents didn’t teach us enough, so be better for your own spawn
– poetry which is my out for BIG feelings
This is called healthy coping, self taught 🤟
– I write letters to GOD on here from time to time, they’re titled “Hey God, me again”
It’s a personable 2024 like way to connect with my Abba, #noragrets
In conclusion I enjoy talking about mental health and how it affects children forever, I love writing poetry, mostly about wanting my Prince Charming to fall out the sky with sunflowers and chocolates (sarcasm). Another thing I can talk about NARCISSISM all day, fun fact it brews in **drumroll please** childhood!
God Bless & Go in Peace
-Monae’
How do you use social media?
Probably to trauma dump, but in a way that’s relatable. I like that we can use platforms to describe how we’re feeling during certain times and then overcome it, go back and it’s still there for us to remember what we were feeling.
Like an infinite diary 📔 ♾️
Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.
Stop trying to rush to success, you’re too hard on yourself. Look around, tell yourself good job, be proud and content of this season in your life wherever you may be💕
– Monae
Describe a decision you made in the past that helped you learn or grow.
We live in a fast paced world, we have everything at are fingertips and although that can be beneficial in other ways it can be drowning. The best decision I ever made was acknowledging where I am and how I got here. A quote that I love is, in order to go fast, go slow. We find ourselves trying to fix our problems quickly and that leads to burn out or failure. I’d rather take my time and succeed over time than speed my way to a failed attempt.
Follow me I write poems and short stories about my trauma
-Monae’
Describe a positive thing a family member has done for you.
There’s a children’s book that answers this and it’s called The Rabbit Listened.
I have a family member that just listened. No matter what the crisis big or small- important or benign just listened. No search parties, no over exertion, just listened. It played such a role on who I am today because it gave me that as a strength rather than a weakness, so many adults have issues with sitting and being quiet long enough to let a person get their feelings out – that is because it was not instilled in childhood.
I really try to stay intentional with everything and I listen and stay put, sometimes that is enough.
The Rabbit Listened https://youtu.be/rBjAWkog9n0?si=OodWOtRF5TlQG5Yo
follow me I write poems and short stories about my trauma 💙
What is your favorite restaurant?
I love a good authentic Mexican restaurant. Where the chips are crisp and the salsa has that right amount of spice. Each state has a different one , I’d love to get a list going but in Nashville I give it to Las Palmas. Something about a chimichanga on a hard day, sounds like a good day after all. L
follow me I write poems and short stories about my trauma 💙
Prologue
The bible says that two is better than one, no three in Ecclistates. What is better than being properly aligned with the one. One equal partner, one rib to one love.
Our story begins with a heroine, a young woman, unproblematic, always searching for her next man to take through a build a man workshop. Each time a bigger let down than before, one bad choice after another. Not really being able to change anyone but instead destroying herself. The reason for heart ache always being the idealization of being in a partnership regardless of its toxicity or bad roots. Always looking for love in the wrong places until she walked right into him. In a fluke turn of events after let downs, heart breaks and obstacles she met her one, her rib.
The catch?
Go where God said and when.
Chapter 1 : Lukewarm Waters
2015
I can’t figure it out, like the constant emptiness I feel. I mean I love this man, or at least I think I do, well I love things about him but he also has qualities that I hate, I just found out we’re going to be parents. He is not happy, I get it were young but I guess it’s always been my dream to be a mother so I’m not that worried. But at what cost , to lose him forever? Will he resent me forever? I want this baby.
As my phone vibrated aggressively in the pocket of my purse from another missed call from “Him 😍💕” instead of even reaching for it, I sat on the toilet, legs still open and mouth agape as I looked down at the two pink lines in front of me. Wow, I was not expecting this thing to be positive, it was more like a semimonthly thing I did when I inevitably missed my period due to birth control. But no, this little white rectangle displayed two vertical lines that did not coexist with my plans at all.
I blew it a couple times , as if I could blow away a line. I shook it a couple times thinking maybe it was an error. It didn’t change. I was 18 and pregnant.
I can’t call him right now, I needed a pep talk so I wanted to call my Grandma Tammy, she always knew what to say. Somehow I navigate my limp and confused body off the toilet and close my mouth, making my way to the sink to splash some water on my face in an attempt to snap out of it. Phone up to my cheek as the water streamed down my puffy cheeks, and tears began to pool, I heard her voice – always so comforting. “Hey Baby Girl…” she alluded. Immediately the tears were no longer pooling but instead coming out like waterfalls, my words came out choppy barely forming a sentence, “Gramma, I … .I don’t know..” “my mom is going to kill me” “I… I… I’m pregnant, Gramma what am I going to do”….? A soft sigh came through the line and she said “Well Shay… you’re going to be pregnant for about nine months then you’re going to give birth to a baby” I chuckled because this sounded simple but my brain was spinning, WHAT? A baby, like a child. Lord knows I am a kid myself. But that was the pep talk she gave and it got me through the next couple minutes until I had to answer the call from … him.
2025
I’m looking out the window from my office and I see a vase of flowers that had been delivered as a just because gift, and I can’t help but feel so much gratitude for our story. I remember having to beg a man to ask me how my day was, let alone send random pick me ups on a Wednesday. I peered down at the 18K Silver Teardrop wedding band on my left finger and blushed at the thought of how wonderful of a husband I got, and how I want to be all the things for him.
I remember feeling worthless like I did not deserve real love for every reason you can imagine, weight, color of my skin, size of my nose and every other insecurity I could hang onto. In reality I had no room for Mr. Right because one way or another I had gotten so used to hanging on to Mr. Wrong.
2015
“Shay don’t have this baby, for me, I’m not… were not ready it will ruin our lives” The words lingered in my mind as the number 19 bus beeped and screeched in front of me, I could smell the cigarette smoke in the air along with the Dunkin Donuts coffee, it made me nauseous. I couldn’t figure out if his words made me sick or the stench that downtown Nashville always eluded. Either way my stomach was turning and my heart was lost. I loaded the bus with a brown paper bag just in case Baby decided to puke up my breakfast. I sat in the middle, always in the middle right next to the door – easy on and easy out. I popped my headphones in to try to get Peyton’s words out of my head. “Shay, we are not ready, it will ruin our lives”…. “For me… don’t have this baby” It’s almost as if he wanted me to choose the pregnancy or our relationship, I pondered on if that was intentional or not. With Ordinary Girl – Hannah Montana in my ears and the MTA bus occasional stop requested, I started to form a pros and cons list about the situation at hand.
Pro: Love kids, Con, no money saved, not married, do I really want to be married to him anyway? How am I going to tell my mom? Pro: A little baby and if it’s a boy I can name him after my Dad. Con: Peyton does not want the baby. The list went on like that for a while until I opted to look out the window and day dream instead. The decision making would just have to wait.
You know that moment when you picture an event in your head and the person doesn’t follow the script at all. That’s Peyton in a nutshell, it was what drew me to him, so unpredictable and he made me laugh. Walking from the bus stop to my home on 40th Ave North I could smell someone grilling and hear my moms music blasting from her speakers, safe to say she was either in a great mood or a horrid one. Only time would tell, approaching the stairs there was a silhouette big, and tall and handsome, it was him. Posted on my moms porch waiting for me, I thought cute, until I saw his demeanor changed as I approached. “Hey” he said flatly, red flag I thought. “Listen I have been thinking and I want to be here for you no matter what you choose” My heart softened, and I reached out for his hands but he protruded. “That’s what I want to say but Shay that is not how I feel, I can’t deal with all this right now, you know I’m not, how do I even know if its mine” And just like that my heart was hard again, only hearing I – I – I and nonsense. “Listen if you choose to keep this baby, I am not going to claim it as mine, if anyone asks I’ll lie” my pulsating heart turned to stone and the once fire that I felt in rage shifted to dread, I wanted him to leave, I’d heard enough. “Look Peyton I’m not sure what I want to do, I need more time… just leave”. He grabbed me for a hug and I stiffened as I just wanted to get inside to cry my eyes out in the shower, a soft “I do love you” in my ear as he walked away. How can he love me and say how do I even know it’s mine in the same conversation? I held back the tears to walk into the house unnoticed, as my mom approached drunk but happy, so I was thankful. “Heyyyyy daughter, how was your day, you look stressed” With a quick hug and a short school excuse, I was in my room a few minutes later, just me, my cat (Smitten) and this man’s baby growing in my belly that he did not want. I stared at the Marilyn Monroe poster on my wall and wished I could switch places with her at that moment, but realized that meant I’d be dead… was that ok… no… right? What was on that pros and cons list again… oh yeah, pro: I love kids, I could name the child after my dad, cons: Peyton.
My third alarm was blaring in my ears, this was the last one or I’d miss the bus. My body stilled in the bed like wet concrete, no idea where my legs began or ended. I could feel the cold wet tears on my pillow as I shifted my face to snooze Kanye West : Good Morning, coming from the phone. Eyes open, crust still in the crevice of my eyes, a text from Him glaring on the screen burning my newly awake retinas ever so slightly. “Don’t worry we are going to take care of this”. Did that mean that he would support me afterall? Since that’s predictable and Peyton was not, I assumed that meant the opposite of what I’d hoped, guess I would know soon enough.
. . .
I shuffled through the bustling hallways where I used to search for his head above all the crowds of teenagers for my safety net. Today however, I found myself towering trying to be invisible so he would not see me, I didn’t want to talk about how much I was ruining his life anymore – just wanted to get to class and sit.
Peyton 2015
Weird, normally Shay waits for me by her locker and I walk her to class. Maybe it’s better she’s not there. I really do like her, but man a baby is wild. I’m not prepared to be nobody’s father, hell my relationship with my dad is messy and confusing. The kid being an option is insane, Shay knows I love her but not so much to throw away my life plans for a whoopsie, a fluke. She knows I want to be a professional wrestler and a baby does not go along with those plans. Maybe one day, maybe not even with her, I know I’ll talk her out of this. I stood fists clenched in deep thought before an excessively loud bell BLARED bringing me back to the present, reminding me I needed to get to class.
I did not belong in high school. I am too elevated, these modern day prisons don’t teach a black man anything except how to make a way to barely survive in a communist world. I will not work for the white man’s world for thirty years, retire and die. I refuse. “Wake up the system is rigged for you to fail”, I added to a conversation, I wasn’t sure what the class was discussing because if I’m honest I zoned most of the lecture out, all politics and bullshit if you ask me. Patton is a decent teacher, I wish he would get some new pants, his khakis have a permanent imprint of his wallet in the back. “Elaborate P” he said in a tone that sounded sincere with a tinge of sarcasm, I was glad to, either way. “We live in a world that is designed for young black men to be thugs, rappers, in prison or slaves/athletes, there is no in between for us, we either beat the odds by saying school is a waste of time, getting knowledge in trading crypto, bitcoin and some money management skills all the rest of this, republican or democrat is a distraction from what’s bigger.”
Patton nodded amused, leaned against his desk “Thank you for your input P, very valuable feedback for the discussion”. Some girls toward the back of the room giggled, I figured what I said had nothing to do with the initial lecture but hey, it was true anyway, they’d all wish they listened soon enough.
The bell BLARED, waking me up from my daydreaming, I left class in a hurry at first to meet Shay, but then I did not really want to see her so I slowed my steps, thinking maybe she’d make it to the bus before I got downstairs. I needed to get home, roll up and lay down, eight hours of nonsense from poorly trained teachers is exhausting. As the sun hit my face outside of the school I felt a little bit of peace, and then I saw her, brown chocolate skin, always so soft looking, cheeks big and a little black dress hugging every curve with pink boots with rhinestones going up the side, a little brown bag over her shoulders, hair curly and shoulder length framing her cute squishy face. Shay. Seeing her used to calm my day, she was my happy place, but with this baby situation that feels tainted, and I’m not gonna lie she looks good, I want to take her home with me but I know that’d mean she’d want to talk, I don’t want to do that. More what if talk, more talk about this baby, it’s too much – it’s simple we’re kids, I’ve got another year in high school, I don’t want a baby. What’s left to talk about. Glaring at her as she boarded her bus, I thought please God, tell her to do the right thing. I turned, threw my backpack over my shoulder and walked away, the opposite direction of where that brown beauty stood.
. . .
Laying on my bed looking up at my ceiling, paint chipped and exposed from years of damage, some natural from like water leaks, other from me burning socks on the ceiling as a kid, or throwing wet globs of paper towel and glue to it. Dumb shit that kids do. A kid. Imagine having to be responsible for something everyday, all day, what about what I want to do? I’d much rather have Shay than some baby sucking the life out of us. If I’m selfish for that, I guess… My phone buzzed with a text I assumed from Shay but it was my mom, “Turn that damn music down” , a quick “yes ma’am” and back to thinking. This whole thing made no sense to me, Shay is beautiful, smart, and supposed to go to college next year, her dream college at that. That is reality this baby thing feels like something she’s making up in her head, phone vibrating on my chest now, this time it was her. Calling. “Yeah” I answered even though she was on my mind and I was happy to hear her voice even for a second before she inevitably started saying shit I did not want to hear. “I loveeeeee how you looked right at me today and kept walking P, that made me feel great” she sneered. “I had somewhere to be Shay, wassup” Quiet. I know I could tell her that she’s been on my mind all day and that walking away from her was hard, and that I watched her for long minutes after I was out of her sight line, just to admire her beauty. The silence drew on too long causing me to stifle, “hello” , “yeah” she said. Gotta love Shay always matching energy, one of the things I love the most about her is she will pull a you on you, quick. “Shay look I don’t know what you want me to say, I want you, I love you even but I don’t want this baby”. Silence… briefly before a muffled “I don’t know what I want”she said, so soft and gentle, she was on the verge of tears. “I’m coming”, I said, foot already halfway out the front door.
for updates check here :
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rpktskU_YAM4ZjoiPIYtHcFjKp-NN1xK-ojvUgmM6YA/edit?usp=sharing
26 & Me 