To Be Loved Properly

I wonder what it’d be like to be loved properly, to be valued fully, to be seen and understood truly

If I had to guess, it’d be a love that is rich and fulfilling. No confusion, no distress, no prolonged promises.

I know if I go back to the drawing board and line up what my Father says… to be loved properly would look like what he did…what Yah has said.

Patient, kind, not self seeking, not pointing out faults.

If I compare it to what we had , and the lessons already taught – I guess that’d mean it was never really love at all.

But why is it so easy to get wrapped up in you and the confusion and distress and your prolonged promises? Why can’t the past be the past, a no be a no? Can’t you see?

This can’t be the way Yah set out for love to be.

I desire to be loved properly.

Monae’

If I take my steps where you’ve already been Yah…

If I take my steps in the imprint that you lay for me Adonai… I know I will be safe.

If I live my life in accordance with your Law, I know you’ll plan my way.

I’m walking in the biggest most powerful imprint and I feel the covering too, as my little feet could never fill your holy shoes.

As I walk safely behind and take steps where you’ve been, I know my life can no longer be consumed by sin and its trickeries,

But instead the holy , fulfilling existence you’ve laid out just for me.

If I take my steps where you’ve already left the imprint Abba, I know I will be safe. I just ask that if I stumble you rise me up steady me and send me on my way.

👣 Psalms 140:23-24

Selah

Hold My Broken Barbie…

Yahushua , above all else I love you. I accept you as father, husband and friend.

I love these people who don’t know you by name… you hand crafted us all so I know you love them too… I ask that you cover them as they wander this world and don’t yet see you, or accept you.

Can I leave my broken Barbie in your hands Abba? No other place is safe for them, this world full of darkness and slander;

I know it’s too much for them to handle, so Abba I trust you with my broken Barbie, can you hold them for me? Snap their legs back into place and rub the hair out of its face…

Even if they don’t want to know you yet Yah…can you hold my broken Barbies? I revel in love for you, exalt your name at every chance I get, My Bible says as SOON as I pray you hear me. This one is as personal as it gets,

Worldly to some, because they don’t yet know you…but Abba please , hold my broken Barbies…

In a world so dark, and they don’t know you…alone and dependent on themselves instead of a Savior.

Yah, please do me this favor- hold my broken Barbie’s and all their broken parts…..forget the legs, repair their hearts.

Selah ✨

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?

Random spurts of sadness, like dang leave me alone I’m trying to live.

Nothing triggered it. Or maybe something I missed…

Nonetheless, I hate to feel like this.

Standing in a room full of people and still alone.

In a ocean , fully capable to float, yet drowning anyway

I told myself to welcome the uneasy feelings too, so this is me acknowledging them

Now what do I do?

-M

I love LOVE

But I love , real love

Not that “I love you if…” stuff

I love biblical love, love that honors God and such. Love that is universal and timeless.

I love Love, that is a reflection of how Yaweh loves us.

Love that is patient, love that is kind

Yes, that’s my type

Hard pass on the conditioned love and the “I love you only when…” stuff

Don’t settle for that, when Yahweh said his undenying love was enough…

I love , love♾️

-M

What are you doing this evening?

I had a couple meetings, I did an accountability meeting & a Bible study. Both super beneficial, if you’re lonely please please please find community in like minded people.

I do have a question for you while you’re here friend, and I need an answer

How do you let someone go?

How do you reallllllllyyyyyyyyyyyy let go, no longer long for him/her in your heart, no longer consider the possibility of reconciliation. How? How do I completely end a decade of heartache? Never to spin the block again, not ending on bad terms is confusing and not the normal for us,

end it gracefully for me, mentally, is that even possible?

Will I have to say “no” every day forever or will it subside on its own…

A revelation of sorts

The person who is for me, will admire my core.

Who I really am, behind closed doors. Who I am from Winter to Spring time…

Who I am inside.

The person who is for me wont reject me for being myself, by putting him above my mental health.. A person who is for me will accept me, not only when it suits them.

Won’t reject me for pouring too much into them.

The person who is for me won’t revolt at my accomplishments, wont constantly disguise insults as compliments..

The person who is for me will welcome my quirks, welcome my ticks – we may even get a laugh out of it.

The person who is for you, won’t shun you

For being you.

What’s more peaceful than being loved just because you are you.?

Can I Just Say….

That heart ache having to bury your loved ones in a game they put themselves in, an unwavering cycle of drugs, pain and death. I hate that for our community, I’m tired of reading about 25 YEAR olds EXECUTING Each other… like what is happening!?

And we have women, procreating with these excuse my French fööls and the cycle repeats because who doesn’t want to be like their Daddy that everyone worships post death? I mean we take after what we know especially as soon as our loved one is literally gunned down in the streets and now we all glorifying his name knowing he was awful, a murderer a pain bringer to others.. like? It makes my heart so sad to see the cycle repeat in so many places of the world, modern day execution of the black image man. These men were placed here on Earth for so much more but their stuck in desire , envy, “why them and not me” and every story ends the same another kid dead, bleeding out in a damn alley.

All I’m going to say is I’m going to keep my people covered in prayer. This not my story, I use I and we to empathize for others pain…

But really stop having babies by these types of men, if a man has death all around him when you meet him why you think his story won’t end there to?

Pray for our people. We need a saving grace.

-M

What’s the Root

The more I read and learn about psychology it’s clear to me that ; like everything else in existence

Every thing has a starting point. Everything originated with something else. You can apply this to your life and maybe get clarity. But I’m just progressively getting more confused.

I battle with rejection, I tracked my rejection down as an insecurity that started in childhood. As an adult the rejection affects me in the following ways

• Friendships
• Relationships
• Employment
• Change

I have this thing where convince myself that I know what people are thinking, and it’s always negative. I used to call it discernment but now I think it’s rooted in self hatred. I never (rarely) hear or discern the positive things a person is doing or saying and that’s why I can recognize it as trauma based now. This affects jobs, friends, love interests and hell eventually if I don’t FIX it- it’ll happen with my kid. So all that to say ; where is that rooted? When did I have to guess my security.. when did I start assuming the worst of myself?

I struggle with over eating and it’s not like on my 600 lbs life where I eat a bucket of chicken and buttermilk biscuits (RIP to that guy btw) – but I eat nonsense and get careless with my diet/health and just stack on lbs. I don’t have the traumatic stories like the people on the shows, nobody assaulted me, I was never in a position where I may not eat again- so why is my psychology around food and eating so bad???? And if I don’t stop I will eat myself into a grave. Where did this start?

I feel rejection in every aspect of my life. I pour into things that I know will leave me drained and empty and alone, only to then complain about rejection.

What’s wrong with me?

How do I fix it…

Why Would I settle

Question for you …

If God made love right…

Stay with me….

Boom so God the creator of ALL made love and he described it as fullness and peace and covering, safety etc…

Why the HELL would I let “man”, convince me he “loves” me but his love doesn’t reflect ANY of the guidelines Yah set for love???? On the contrary it’s the exact opposite of what ABBA gives?

Mixed feelings, mean, unforgiving, short/impatient, aggressive/irritable… sometimey.. and worst of all pessimistic about eveeeerryyythinnnggg

Let’s take it back GOD; the GOD said love was love is compassionate. – and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness, Psalm 86:15.

God says his love is unconditional, so why when love is being portrayed by man is it “I love you if you…. I love you when you… I can’t love you if you…” do we entertain that as love when the Bible is clear….

So let me get this straight and wrap it up, GOD shows us love by *listening to us Matthew 7:7, he tells us that he is our refuge, as in; our safe place *Psalm 91:2, He said his love is unconditional and unwavering- he won’t stop loving us because of xyz , love is patient and kind and not hateful or crass *1 Corinthians 13:4

Ok so man telling you and I “I’ll love you when” I can’t love you if you…” is a SHAM??? #SCAM #FRAUDULENT… I cracked the code for us sisters, he can’t love you if he doesn’t love you how GOD loves you…. If he doesn’t love GOD , he won’t know how to even reciprocate steadfast love, you’ll be subject to the scraps of whatever the darkness on him will throw you that day…. you’ll be subject to conditional love and conditional love runs dry. That’s why divorce rates are so high…

He should love you like Abba, he should nurture your mind, spirit, soul not take away from it.

I think the enemy has tainted love intentionally, to keep alot of us lost.

If it doesn’t reflect what Abba said love was like, you’re experiencing something else- lust, infatuation…something but

Babe, it’s not love.

Release em.

Love you unconditionally 🌸

– Monae’