Just a Quiet Moment

Inhale the peace, and exhale the pieces, let go of the hurt and the meekness.

Drop the insults into the bottom of a well, leave them there in the deep , dark and grime..erase what they said from your mind, take your time. No she loves me, he loves me not, let your wellbeing remain on top. Regardless of what anyone says, don’t hold on to that sadness..

Out grown the old habits, make new improvements – it’s ok, you can do this.. When what used to help doesn’t anymore, don’t be tepid to go back to the drawing board.

You’ve changed and we are supposed to, would you expect any less? Find a quiet moment and….

Inhale the peace and exhale the pieces, let go of the hurt and the weakness.

Humble Open and Transparent

What does it mean to be HOT for GOD on fire for his word for a season, but lose it for the most futile reasons?

I found myself lost for GOD , longing for his grace when it was me who turned my face. Searching for fulfillment in an odd place.

It only took a moment to see sin in my rearview, to make me shift gears , when I should’ve stayed near you.

My GOD , my protector, even when I am the neglector

I don’t deserve your forgiveness, I guess that’s why you give it? I don’t deserve the repentance yet you always offer it…

I love you, truly. I promise to try to choose you each day like I know you choose me. I promise to seek your word each time I am clueless…promise to read and absorb the word of GOD and put it into practice.

No more running, no more manipulation tactics

Just a girl and her Heavenly Father , GOD Almighty

The world and temptations despite me, I will be fully present.

Doing my very best to remain humble, open and transparent.

Emotional Wellness is a process

What’s something most people don’t understand?

What is mental health?

Today people use this term much more loosely, but when I was growing up – especially in a black community… it was rarely acknowledged.

My mom used to say “you don’t pay no bills, what you know about being depressed” …she’d say “can’t nobody in here cry and scream but me” …as a result I have conditioned myself to ignore depression, to ignore conflicting feelings. I’m not sure how much you know about it but between us, IGNORING IT DOESN’T HELP! Talk to someone get help, I use my blog as an outlet, go read some of my poetry if you got a sec

– Monae’

Maybe it’s me

I’m struggling to come to terms with something about myself. Something big.

I’ll describe and see if you can guess it…

I have mood swings, sometimes they last for months.. I always think I know what someone is thinking even when I probably don’t. I tend to feel isolated, emotional, alone, a key word emptiness.

Have you guessed it yet? I’ll keep going for reference…

I can be pessimistic and I listen to a little mean voice in my head, sharing all the mean nothings that it’ll convince me has been said…

I get stuck in these disassociated states, where I’m on auto pilot. Like I’m present but mentally I’m silent. Like you see me and I see you but I’m not absorbing our time….

Apparently romantic relationships make this thing about me WORST which checks out.. I can think of a few times where I may have been the instigator in my romantic life… what am I supposed to do with this information?

What is normal….

With

Borderline personality disorder.

Hey God Me Again

I won’t hey Big Head you God, I know you deserve better than that but I wanted to get my emotions out and chat with you tonight so heyyyyyyyyy. First and foremost thank you for covering me in grace. I feel your honor and support on my shoulders heavy lately as we have been clawing my way out of seasonal depression. I say we but I really should say you. I have no power without you, and I am so thankful to walk beside you hand in hand. I wanted to run this job thing by you, I know you have seen it weighing on my heart I got a pretty decent offer from a School to work as a floater but my heart is drawn to the Autism Behavioral Center, I know it’s so much good work I can do in both but man do I love kids with special needs- that’s been my calling my whole life it just took me some time to see it. Becoming an RBT (registered behavioral therapist) is something we put a pin 📌 in last year do you remember? I know you do…. And the pay is great but you know me well enough that it’s never really about money but making an impact – the extra dollars is a bonus but I really want to be filling the cups of young autistic children and their families hearts. God I want that job, you know the one and I want it bad. However next week I’m going to go to orientation at LCA and wait for the interview. I trust you with everything that I am, and I know you will guide me into the right decision. I just wanted you to know where my heart was – yes 27$ an hour sounds amazing but being a tool to children who may not be receiving the support in other environments is so much more valuable to me. Plus the extra credentials won’t hurt 🙂‍↔️ anywho I love you dearly, and feel your hand in mine with this entire process.

Yours forever, Ms. Monae Lashae Jackson

Don’t Let me Fail you…

You’re so perfect, hand crafted just for me. I remember your first kicks and steps. I remember your first “say cheese”. I know it’s hard sometimes, to get me to listen , I promise that I’m trying my best here. Each mistake I make , you tell me I’m forgiven, when I yell too loud or I get too rowdy, I just want you to remember underneath all this trauma- lies your mama. I’m in the process of being better for you, I would do it 10x over. If it meant I’d get to hold your hand and walk with you forever – i would pay whatever. My perfect baby boy, I knew right from the start…I love you with my whole scarred, bleeding heart.

Hey God Me again …

I just wanted to say thank you, for everything. I’ve been lost lately and if I’m honest it’s my own fault. I got so caught up in wanting partnership that I lost my covenant with you. The worst part it is it wasn’t hard to fall, but I am having a HELL (pun intended) of a time trying to stand back up and walk with you. The enemy sure knows what buttons to press to get us out of our element- insecurity is a hell* (pun intended again) of a loop hole. But I thank you for covering me in my sin, I thank you that you don’t immediately turn away from me when I struggle, I thank you for welcoming me back with open arms and loads of joy. I thank you that after falling you didn’t take away all of your grace. I’ll admit that it was hard on the other side, everything hurt my feelings, everything made me want to die…what’s up with that??? I thought the world was supposed to be better, I guess spending time walking with you has shown me true peace and honey I tell you what- being over there…. IT SUCKS! It’s HELL!!!!! No satire, I’m fr- it’s burning, painful, skin scorching hell. I felt like I was standing up straight in 10ft of water just – drowning. I thought what I was missing was a man, but if all it takes for my mental capacity to crumble is insecurity then boy oh boy , I’m not ready. Being locked in with Adonai 🔐 is better than any goofy situationship.

I say all of that to say God, I choose you. The world sucks – I just want to walk with you – hear you, feel you, know you, trust you.

Love You.

– yours forever,

Monae L. Jackson

Typed but never sent …

Look it’s not that I don’t love you,

Cause I do.

It’s not that I don’t crave you…

Because I do…

It’s not that my heart doesn’t skip a beat when you enter a room, because it does.

It’s not that there’s no chemistry, because there is…loads and loads of this.

But

Is it enough? I mean, can you talk me down off a ledge? Can you redirect me when I get in my head? You can’t take back the mean things you said, nor can I. We can’t erase the past, the pain…like a white carpet with a massive red stain. Rug on top but it’s still remains…

Looks it’s not that I don’t love you because I do, so so so much. I think my favorite thing about you is your smile, even though you don’t show it as much as I’d prefer. I just think you would for the right one… for her.

It’s things you’ve never done for me, and I don’t hold a grudge- but I know with the right person, you’d do it just because- to see her light up like the sun, you’d complete the right one. You’d clap for her accomplishments, and kiss her on the forehead.

All the things I wanted..

Because I know in my heart, yours doesn’t beat for me, that’s ok. It’s like a puzzle piece we tried but doesn’t fit…we tried hard to force it. Twisted, turned but ultimately it wasn’t enough.

Until the right piece came around and ….yup.

It’s not that I don’t love you because I do….but I don’t want the scraps of you….I don’t want you to settle for me…

Find your right puzzle piece.🧩